I Ate a Sandwich Today

I woke up this morning and, like many days, I remembered I had to do some stuff. Important outside-the-house stuff, which was fine with me because outside stuff is more interesting than inside stuff anyway. I think it's because of weather. I like weather. Sometimes I go up to people and talk to them about it.

When I got outside I updated my status on Facebook so my friends knew what it was like outside. I don't like to watch the news, so I assume this is how most people get their information. All the important stuff is on there. That's where I found out we got Bin Laden.

After I did the stuff I had to do I ate a sandwich. It was a ham sandwich. I love ham. Pigs are filthy, disgusting animals, but I love to eat them. On wheat bread. When I got the sandwich I took my first bite and it was so good I took a picture of it and posted it on Facebook. One of my friends liked it. I thought the bread was a little stale though.

Penguin Mode

I've always been fascinated by how certain guys (i.e. Alpha males) conduct themselves in public. Specifically, while they're at a bar.

Every now and then someone is going to bump into you, step on your shoe, or talk to the girl you think you're going to hook up with. It's to be expected. But it's not an excuse for you to act like an asshole.

So please, dudes starting fights at bars, resist the urge to stick out your chest and call another man a bitch just to impress your buddies.

"Cool your jets, Mumble. They're calling the cops."

I like to call this phenomenon Penguin Mode for two reasons. One, penguins are very territorial. And two, saying, "These guys are acting like a couple of penguins" isn't as creepy as most post-two A.M. conversation starters.

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Word of the Day: Diverseracy

As in, "There's no such thing as diverseracy because it's not a real word." But it will by the end of this post.

I spent this past weekend camping with some friends in High Springs, Florida. Ginnie Springs to be exact. If you've never been to Ginnie Springs on Memorial Day weekend, just imagine a big river with 15,000 drunk people in the vicinity and nothing else around for miles.

Needless to say, shit got crazy. When we checked in at the welcome center I saw they were selling "I Survived Ginnie Springs Memorial Day Weekend" t-shirts.

The next night we found out someone had died after being stabbed in the neck with a broken beer bottle, and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd been wearing one of those shirts when it happened. Morbid curiosity I guess.

Luckily no tragedies struck our camp, though there was no lack of entertainment. I've never seen so many bad decisions made within a 72 hour period or seen so many rednecks gathered in one place in my entire life -- and I've been to the Houston Rodeo twice.

The winner of the Most Memorable Douchebag Award went to a scrawny white guy riding around on a motorcycle who, presumably looking for a fight, stared down each campsite he drove past while wearing only jeans, cowboy boots and a Confederate flag mask.

WARNING: This looks more intimidating on a manikin than it does on your face.

10 Bold Predictions (2011 MLB Edition)

Technically, the 2011 baseball season began yesterday. But luckily, season-long predictions aren't locked in until every team has played at least one game... and if that's not really a rule, then I'm making it one.

10. Brian Wilson will donate at least half of his beard to charity at some point before the All-Star break and then grow it back for the stretch run.

9. The Oakland A's will be this year's version of the San Francisco Giants, led by Gio Gonzalez's Cy Young campaign.

8. The Boston Red Sox will be this year's version of the 2007 Yankees. They'll score a ton of runs but fail in the postseason because of their pitching, specifically their bullpen.

7. The Philadelphia Phillies will be this year's version of the 2007 New England Patriots (that's right, a cross-sport reference) in that they'll be chasing the 1998 New York Yankees' single season wins record of 125 (regular season and playoffs combined) and come up just short.

6. Alex Gordon will be this year's version of Carlos Gonzalez. It seems every year we have a post-hype, former stud prospect who finally breaks out and becomes an All-Star. This year it'll be Gordon, leading the surprisingly good Kansas City Royals to a potential playoff berth.

5. Jason Heyward will become the youngest NL MVP in history at the age of 22.

4. Jayson Werth will go all Gil Meche on everybody and live up to the contract (seven years, $126 million) nobody thinks he deserves, slashing .290/.395/.550 and representing the Nationals in the All-Star Game.

3. ESPN columnist Jayson Stark will grow back his mustache.

2. In August, months after the initial shots were fired, the Orioles and Yankees will finally have a benches-clearing brawl in which Derek Jeter will "Don Zimmer" Buck Showalter.

1. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens will be acquitted of all perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

East: Boston Red Sox
West: Oakland A's
Central: Detroit Tigers
Wild Card: New York Yankees
AL Champs: Oakland A's

East: Philadelphia Phillies
West: San Francisco Giants
Central: Milwaukee Brewers
Wild Card: Atlanta Braves
NL Champs: Philadelphia Phillies

World Series: A's over Phillies

And it will look eerily similar to this.